Cotygodniowe odliczanie literek, trzy. Poślizgnięte na świętach i chwili, by odcedzić wyimki z tej lektury. Mała książeczka, można by spokojnie określić ją jako wypasiona broszurka. Uwielbiam ponadczasowe, wielkie i mądre serce Autorki. Czytanie tej książki było opatrywaniem własnego serca, przyglądaniem się rozwidleniu dróg mojego życia, ukojeniem.
Zajmowanie się tymi wyimkami dziś ma dla mnie szczególny wymiar otaczania siebie ciepłem, życzliwością, które odsuwają ode mnie myśli, od których z powodu płaczu pęka mi głowa. Nieodwracalne nadciąga do ula.
Finding out how we think about what we see and hear, what we feel, what we say, and how we look and sound is the place to start the discovery of who and what we are.
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The sun never really sets, it only appears that way, because we are not in a position to see the bigger picture. Sometimes we may not feel the sunshine, only the night, but the sun will be there in the morning, as surely as the earth turns. That is faith—faith in the existence of that which is, even though it is not always visible.
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New thoughts and beliefs are the main source for Nopening up new possibilities. Our willingness to risk exploring these possibilities through action is the next step. There is a secure feeling about staying with what we already know, and a scariness about venturing out into areas unfamiliar to us. To go where we have not been, either literally or figuratively, usually has two parts—excitement and scariness—both of which involve the adrenal glands and come from the same root.
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In scariness or anxiety,
breathe a little and
you feel the excitement.
Hold your breath and
you'll get scared again.
Fritz Perls
(1893–1970)
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When we really take charge of ourselves, we have the power to cope differently and we can make our own map for our lives. That is our hope. That is our life process, and that is our opportunity.
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What would happen, if when you allowed yourself to go into a new space, you armed yourself with three sets of expectations instead of one, any of which would be possible? Having three expectations instead of one is a psychological attitude to keep your options open. I find it useful to carry my options to their logical conclusion in my fantasy and then if I am still living at the end of them, I can go freely into the new thing. What I have found is that often none of my expectations materialize, but instead other possibilities that I had not even dreamed of did. […] The minimum payoff of any of my risk taking is that I have learned something. The biggest was that a whole new and wonderful experience opened before me. The biggest step that one has to take to open up new possibilities is namely to take the risk of going into the unknown.
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[…] any change requires three phases: first, the honeymoon, when anxiety or excitement dominates; second, the phase when things seem all mixed and unfamiliar (how natural, when you stop to think you've never been there before); and third, the integration, when the new part becomes comfortable and familiar to you. Efforts to preserve the status quo (keep things as they are) are intended to protect one's security, to prevent chaos and confusion, which are thought of only as harmful instead of a normal development of change, since no change can take place without them. Many people have gone to their graves, perhaps prematurely, because they lived on the principle of maintaining the status quo. Staying with the status quo implies there is only one right way. When maintaining the status quo is viewed as a choice rather than a must, then new options reveal themselves.
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Most of us have experienced an impasse when two parts are in conflict. Perhaps we have also had the feeling that our parts were screaming their heads off and the sound inside was so loud we couldn't hear anything on the outside. These are the times when we make our worst mistakes.
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[…] you may experience a whole range of feelings: sadness, hope, anger, delight, well-being, and others that I haven't mentioned. Remember that these feelings are all yours—no matter what kind they are—and, treated well, your many faces are there to help you.
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Plants will not grow because you tell them they must, and that they are bad and ugly if they don't.
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Helplessness often disguises frustration. Once aware of it, you can begin to go in another direction.
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You always have possibilities. With this new sense of power, it is possible to feel a new sense of responsibility for yourself. When we have choices and can apply the choice to the situation, then we are making choices in front of our face, rather than reacting […].
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I would like to compare the words variation and differentness. When we see a garden of flowers and notice that there are differences among them, it is easy for us to think of them as variations. When we do this, we experience good feelings. Variation and variety are thought of as positive. When we see a group of people together and notice that they, like the flowers, are different from each other, we have an inclination to think of these as differences. Different somehow brings to mind difficulties and fear, and it is easy to prepare defenses.
Actually, whether it is people or flowers, we are talking about the same thing: how one is the same as or different from the other. If we were to think of people as having variation to each other and then have the good feelings that come with that, we could turn on our interest and discovery buttons. Witness the allure of travel to countries where people are very different looking and live in exotic ways. I go on the principle that everybody I meet will be different from me in some way, which gives me a lot of excitement and an opportunity to expand myself by encountering and incorporating differentness.
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Change always carries with it a period of imbalance (the scariness and excitement of
new possibilities). This happens when something new is added or something old is discarded. The feeling of imbalance is often one of confusion. The picture of imbalance can be physical illness, internal troubles, competency problems, or spiritual desolation. I would go so far as to say that any imbalance is a message about some change taking place. This is a perfectly natural phase because, while we are in the process of rebalancing, imbalance has to take place first.
If one views any imbalance in this way, then one goes on with rebalancing, which involves listening for the message of imbalance and finding out what it’s about. There will probably be some trial and error, trying out some new knowledge and awareness. […] Every individual has beliefs about how they should be. There come times in every individual’s life where what they want is different from what they think they ought to do, and that is different from what they think they can do. This is a typical out-of-balance situation.
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There was a time when I thought I had to kill all those parts of me that gave me trouble. Now I see they can become my greatest helpers if I decide to make them my friends.
[…] The secret is that when we pull away, we only increase the tension and get more and more scared because the trouble doesn't go away. In fact, it seems even bigger and stronger than it actually is. When we go closer, we relax the tension. Then we can see the situation for what it really is and make more fitting decisions. When you are in a dangerous situation, you need all your wits about you. Letting your energy go into maintaining tension draws it from the rest of yourself and freezes your body.
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Having periods of imbalance is a natural consequence of living. To stay in an imbalanced state will cause great erosion and pain to the self. It is always scary when we are out of balance, because it feels like we have lost our center. When this happens, sit in the nearest chair, close your eyes, and breathe fully. Then tell yourself, “I am getting a message that my parts are out of harmony. I am getting an SOS message.” Then start listening to what your parts are telling you. Look at what is happening, figure out what your needs seem to be, and then think about how you can restore balance.
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When something goes wrong, I try to make a picture in my mind of a circle with myself in the center. I then ask myself how internal factors (my thoughts, fears, nutrition, exercise, expectations, interpretations, and faith in being able to grow) and external factors (the weather, what others are telling me, and so on) might be contributing to the problem.
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What would happen if instead of having a rule that covers all situations all the time, you were able to pick and choose within the situation? That is, sometimes you will choose your duty, sometimes your wishes, and sometimes what you feel you can do.
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Students of life find out that there is such a thing as winning a battle and losing a war, as for every gain there is a loss and, conversely, for every loss there is a gain. So therefore, each decision is a new creation with a new set of losses and gains. In other words, you are balancing out your needs with your responsibilities and your wishes, making that decision fresh each time.
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Today is an exciting time because almost every day some new information about life’s processes comes to light. Maybe one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves at this moment is to take a look at everything we believe in and ask ourselves if it really fits or if it’s something that we were told should fit.
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Suppose we think of the negative parts of ourselves as hungry dogs that we want to keep out of our awareness and certainly hide from other people. So we cage them inside (deny their existence) and feed them only when we absolutely have to, and then as little as possible. As they get hungrier and hungrier, we have to increase our guard, for if we let our guard down for even a second, they will come out and make terrible trouble. Continuing in this way, we will soon feel exhausted and bankrupt. Despair will soon follow. That is the time when we say we couldn’t help it. Someone else made us do it.
The answer is not to get more guards, as many people seem to think, but to start paying attention, caring for, and learning to understand these parts. Then instead of using all our energy for guarding, we will be able to use it for discovery and change.
Let’s continue the dog story. Suppose we think of the dogs as representing parts of ourselves that have only learned one way of being, and we want to teach them others. Anyone who has ever trained an animal knows you must use love, patience, and praise. Would you be willing to be loving and patient and praise yourself? Each dog represents a friend and companion yet undiscovered. To many of us, it looks only like a vicious mongrel. We and our faces are not different from any other living thing. We thrive on being nurtured.
Virginia Satir, Your Many Faces.
The First Step to Being Loved (revised),
Celestial Arts, Berkeley 2009.
(wyróżnienie własne)
The beginning of new possibilities starts when you believe that there are no fixed, permanent sets of roadways inside of you, that they are all capable of being resurfaced, reshaped, reconstructed, bypassed, and built anew. We come into this world at birth and leave at death. The time between these two points is our time to develop our own map. It will continue to unfold, if you allow yourself to explore your many parts and risk going into the unknown.
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Explorers have a goal, but they also take time to see other possibilities along the way, which may change their course.
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You are the only one like you. […] It is helpful to remind ourselves that we all stem from the same life force.
(tamże)
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